i want you to do me no good; you look like you could.


A dramatic Shakespearean response to every situation

When something bad happens: True is it that we have seen better days.

When something REALLY bad happens: O woe! O woeful, woeful, woeful day! Most lamentable day. Most woeful day That ever, ever I did yet behold! O day, O day, O day! O hateful day! Never was seen so black a day as this.O woeful day! O woeful day!

When people say that something is wrong because the Bible says so: The Devil can cite scripture for his purpose.

When my girlfriend abandons me for food: FRAILTY, THY NAME IS WOMAN!

When someone doesn't thank me for holding the door open for them: BLOW, BLOW, BLOW, THOU WINTER WIND! THOU ART NOT SO UNKIND AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE!

When I burn something while cooking: MY CAKE IS DOUGH!

When human stupidity frustrates me: LORD, WHAT FOOLS THESE MORTALS BE!

When someone says I'm going to hell for my sins: NYMPH, IN THY ORISONS BE ALL MY SINS REMEMBER'D.

When I'm broke: My pride fell with my fortunes

When someone turns the light on after a period of darkness and blinding light ensues: OH, SHE DOTH TEACH THE TORCHES TO BURN BRIGHT!


When I argue with my girlfriend: The course of true love never did run smooth.

When I'm embarrassed: MUST I HOLD A CANDLE TO MY SHAMES?!

Someone says "Good Night": Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.

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